I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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