capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
