this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
