Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize