I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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