i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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