you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
