I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
