you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize