Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I deserve this hangover.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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