You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
