Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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