Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
