You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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