My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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