Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
