Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
