Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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