Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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