Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
