im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
