I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
