I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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