What a fucking waste of an outfit
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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