New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
