My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
