Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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