It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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