I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
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