its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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