i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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