I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
