I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You took a bar mat shot.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
