does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
