I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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