We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
i've created a new STD.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
