So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
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