Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
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