she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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