I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
