dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
