This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
