Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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