i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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