Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
