Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
