How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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