chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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