i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
