I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
