I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
