I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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