That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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