I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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