I only kidnapped one of them. chill
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
