i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
