sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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