do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she peed on how many people?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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