She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
