There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Randomize
