Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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